Pray you never see something you've written here. The following will be excerpts of posts written by college students in my classes. When I try to explain to people why I am disillusioned by the American education system, perhaps these will serve as good examples of why. I will be updating this as I find more and more things worthy of the Wall of Shame:
Today's post of shame (really? WTF?):
"In the story "A Meeting in the Dark", I believe John was both the victim and a victimizer. From the beginning of the story, it was shown that John always feared and fear his father. Although, John did not like certain things his father asked him "when is the journey" Again John Thought: why does he ask" I have told him many times." He could not talk back to his father.
I think, what made John the victim was that even though, he thought to himself, "why not marry her? She is beautiful! why not marry? Do I love her or don't I"(105), he was afraid of facing his father. John had grown up under a Calvinistic father. Also, John was getting ready to go to University, but the fact that Wamuhu was already circumcised was stopping him.
In the other hand, John was trying to make himself a victimizer, worrying about afterward consequences. Up until John killed Wamuhu, he was thinking about everything that would happen to him if he just had left or if he faced his father. "
First two sentences from a different post:
" John and Nhamo were both affected and altered because of Western influences in both stories. Both of them were affected by Western influence that led them to to be altered."
And from a communications major, no less:
""He believes if you have not experienced it or no what your talking about, your writing will suffer."
This moment of illiteracy has been brought to you by my detective fiction class:
"LaBas and Black Herman personalities I felt was both wise, intelligent and understanding. Both older men who have seen alot. Abdul I felt was also intelligent who had a tough life, and is true student of learning. He seems to be very arrogant, and whats to be perceived by people in a certain light."
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
A class post I was fairly pleased with
I've just started a class on cultural challenges in world literature, and one of our first readings was a short story called "The Setting Sun and the Rolling World" by Charles Mungoshi. Below is my first dicussion post about the story, which I really enjoyed writing:
"The Setting Sun and the Rolling World" opens with two lines that set the stage of the story for me. In two lines, it is established that the earth and land are symbolic of the old traditions and the sky symbolizes the new ways of thought. The story opens with: "Old Musoni raised his dusty eyes from his hoe and the unchanging, stony earth he had been tilling and peered into the sky. The white speck whose sound had disturbed his work and thoughts was far out at the edge of the yellow sky, near the horizon" (98).
The description of the earth is of something hard and resistant, something set in its ways and unwilling to give. This is immediately juxtaposed with the sky, which is connected to disturbing him and is colored yellow. Yellow is often associated with illness and disease, and in this case, brings attention to the fact that the sky - symbolic of change brought about by the outside world - is disrupting the old ways. Similarly, the introductory paragraph mentions Musoni looking west and seeing "the shadows creeping east" (98) which shows the sun in the sky from the west (North America, Europe, the "new world") bringing darkness across his lands.
Once this exposition has been established, it is easy to look for signs throughout the story that point to the continuum of community stability and individual fulfillment. This also directly relates to the question of progress versus tradition. In fact, as Musoni tells his son that "there is no way out in the world. Except the way of the land, the way of the family" (99) we see that there is a strong tie to family and community among these people. Though Nhamo loves his father and shows him respect, he believes that some of the new ways are better.
The story compares the people of his community to animals and Nhamo laughs at the belief his father still holds in charms and magic. He is thrilled when his father gives his blessing for the journey ahead and we are told "he was free" (101) which I take to mean not only from the community of his people, but that he is finally free of the old ways and can make a life of his own, influenced by the new ways brought from the colonialization and from the white man.
Nhamo insists that he must go away because there is nothing for him there. The land is dying and "the family is almost broken up" (99). He has chosen to seek individual fulfillment over the stability of the community, since he feels his community is already unstable. The last paragraph shows that perhaps this community, like Nhamo, will no longer be able to resist the force of new ideas and progress as the sky, wind, and frost attack "the unprotected land" (102).
"The Setting Sun and the Rolling World" opens with two lines that set the stage of the story for me. In two lines, it is established that the earth and land are symbolic of the old traditions and the sky symbolizes the new ways of thought. The story opens with: "Old Musoni raised his dusty eyes from his hoe and the unchanging, stony earth he had been tilling and peered into the sky. The white speck whose sound had disturbed his work and thoughts was far out at the edge of the yellow sky, near the horizon" (98).
The description of the earth is of something hard and resistant, something set in its ways and unwilling to give. This is immediately juxtaposed with the sky, which is connected to disturbing him and is colored yellow. Yellow is often associated with illness and disease, and in this case, brings attention to the fact that the sky - symbolic of change brought about by the outside world - is disrupting the old ways. Similarly, the introductory paragraph mentions Musoni looking west and seeing "the shadows creeping east" (98) which shows the sun in the sky from the west (North America, Europe, the "new world") bringing darkness across his lands.
Once this exposition has been established, it is easy to look for signs throughout the story that point to the continuum of community stability and individual fulfillment. This also directly relates to the question of progress versus tradition. In fact, as Musoni tells his son that "there is no way out in the world. Except the way of the land, the way of the family" (99) we see that there is a strong tie to family and community among these people. Though Nhamo loves his father and shows him respect, he believes that some of the new ways are better.
The story compares the people of his community to animals and Nhamo laughs at the belief his father still holds in charms and magic. He is thrilled when his father gives his blessing for the journey ahead and we are told "he was free" (101) which I take to mean not only from the community of his people, but that he is finally free of the old ways and can make a life of his own, influenced by the new ways brought from the colonialization and from the white man.
Nhamo insists that he must go away because there is nothing for him there. The land is dying and "the family is almost broken up" (99). He has chosen to seek individual fulfillment over the stability of the community, since he feels his community is already unstable. The last paragraph shows that perhaps this community, like Nhamo, will no longer be able to resist the force of new ideas and progress as the sky, wind, and frost attack "the unprotected land" (102).
Sunday, July 26, 2009
When Planets Align... Rebel Without a Cause in Two Scenes
In Nicholas Ray’s Rebel Without A Cause, two scenes take place inside a planetarium which can explain so much more about the film than meets the eye. The first scene, during a school field trip, shows the kids watching a show with images of stars and planets. Though the lights are dim, each character can be clearly seen. The show is guided by the adult in the center of the room who is explaining to the students these wonders that make such little sense to them. This man guiding the show can be seen as a figure of adult guidance in each of their lives – helping shine just a small amount of light on a confusing world so they may begin to understand the mysteries of the vast universe that lies ahead of them. At the end, their guide talks about the destruction of the world and says to the class, “Through the infinite reaches of space the problems of man seem trivial and naive indeed. And man, existing alone, seems himself an episode of little consequence." During this speech, there is a gaseous explosion shown which leaves Plato cowering under the seats, and when he finally resurfaces, he asks Jim, “What does he know about man alone?”
It is not until much later the viewer understands why this concept scared Plato so much. We discover that he is completely alone – abandoned by his parents, without any friends – and this concept of man mattering so little that he can simply disappear terrifies him. He is searching for someone to care about him. He wants desperately to believe that his parents will come back for him, but perhaps even more than that, he just wants to matter to someone.
This scene is quickly forgotten as the movie moves forward with a knife fight, death, and tension between characters, but after what Plato perceives as his final betrayal by Jim and Judy, he runs back to the planetarium. Jim finds him there hiding alone in complete darkness. The blackness as compared to the first scene shows how lost Plato is without adult guidance. It is demonstrative of how dark and immense the universe feels when you are young and left to fend yourself.
Jim, who has already been set up as a semi-father figure to Plato is able to find him and talks him into coming out of the dark planetarium and back outside. Even then though, the lights outside are too bright for Plato to handle – he is not ready to understand the world or to be shown any real reason. The lights are temporarily turned off again, and Jim guides Plato outside, but the damage has already been done. There is so much confusion, and the gas has already started to spiral toward the ultimate explosion. When the lights come back on, Plato is shot and killed, ultimately proving that he really was alone in the world and not of much consequence to anyone. His fear from the first planetarium scene has now become a reality.
It is not until much later the viewer understands why this concept scared Plato so much. We discover that he is completely alone – abandoned by his parents, without any friends – and this concept of man mattering so little that he can simply disappear terrifies him. He is searching for someone to care about him. He wants desperately to believe that his parents will come back for him, but perhaps even more than that, he just wants to matter to someone.
This scene is quickly forgotten as the movie moves forward with a knife fight, death, and tension between characters, but after what Plato perceives as his final betrayal by Jim and Judy, he runs back to the planetarium. Jim finds him there hiding alone in complete darkness. The blackness as compared to the first scene shows how lost Plato is without adult guidance. It is demonstrative of how dark and immense the universe feels when you are young and left to fend yourself.
Jim, who has already been set up as a semi-father figure to Plato is able to find him and talks him into coming out of the dark planetarium and back outside. Even then though, the lights outside are too bright for Plato to handle – he is not ready to understand the world or to be shown any real reason. The lights are temporarily turned off again, and Jim guides Plato outside, but the damage has already been done. There is so much confusion, and the gas has already started to spiral toward the ultimate explosion. When the lights come back on, Plato is shot and killed, ultimately proving that he really was alone in the world and not of much consequence to anyone. His fear from the first planetarium scene has now become a reality.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Setting the Stage for Stagecoach
The first ten minutes of Stagecoach establish an enormous amount of information without boring the viewer to tears with back story. These introductory scenes establish the identity of the entire party who will be traveling with us for the duration of the movie, and also sets up the situation with the Indians. Director John Ford and the script writers manage to fit enough information into the exposition to set the stage for the rest of the film.
The opening shot shows two men racing through an open landscape on their horses from a distance. This creates a sense of excitement and intrigue. The men are too far away to see who they are and we cannot determine why they are in such a rush. It is soon established that they are heading back to a military base, where men are meeting with an Indian man warning them about the presence of the Apaches. It is clear that there is hesitancy to trust an Indian, but is then pointed out that this man is a Cheyenne Indian, and they hate the Apaches as much as the white man. As word spreads, the name Geronimo strikes fear into everyone who hears it.
The remainder of the opening ten minutes introduces the traveling party. Doctor Boone and Dallas are the first two we meet, and the scene with them also introduces us to the idea of social values. The doctor is being thrown out for not paying his rent, but it is obvious that he is also an alcoholic. When he is thrown out, he quotes Christopher Marlowe, showing that he still has his education and has some wits about him. Dallas comes onto the scene and is being thrown out of town by the rest of the women who reside there. Looking at the difference in the way she dresses, and the fact that upon boarding the coach, she exposes her shin, it can be pieced together that she is being forced to leave because she has a reputation for being a whore.
Mrs. Mallory is seen as a nice, upstanding lady. The fact that she is “not well enough to travel” may be an indication that she is pregnant, but this could not simply be said during this time period. The man who strikes a mutual intrigue with her, Hatfield, is described as not being a gentleman, but rather a “notorious gambler” despite his appearances of being a gentleman. His decision to follow Mrs. Mallory onto the coach is not surprising given the way he has been watching her.
Gatewood, the banker, is established immediately as untrustworthy. He takes the $50,000 that was just deposited to the bank, lies to his wife about being there for dinner, and then sneaks off to board the coach and get out of town with his newfound wealth.
Peacock is there, but is the most harmless of the bunch. All we know is that he is a whiskey drummer with a wife and five children who is from Kansas. Though Ringo has not joined the party yet, even he is mentioned in the first ten minutes. It has already been established that he is an outlaw, but that he is not in jail and they will be trying to find and capture him.
A thorough introduction to the characters that establishes relationships between them, sets up some of the social standards, and explains that there is a violent conflict between the Apaches and white men is a tall order for ten minutes worth of film. The script writers and director had to work very hard to make this exposition informative without being boring, and they did a fine job of it. This introduction to the characters pulls the viewer in and makes us want to keep watching to see what will happen: will they escape the Apaches, will they find Ringo, will Hatfield put the moves on Mrs. Mallory, will Dallas be welcome in any town? The expository scene makes us wonder all of this and more. Fortunately, all of the viewers questions are answered in just as thorough and interesting manner as the movie begins.
The opening shot shows two men racing through an open landscape on their horses from a distance. This creates a sense of excitement and intrigue. The men are too far away to see who they are and we cannot determine why they are in such a rush. It is soon established that they are heading back to a military base, where men are meeting with an Indian man warning them about the presence of the Apaches. It is clear that there is hesitancy to trust an Indian, but is then pointed out that this man is a Cheyenne Indian, and they hate the Apaches as much as the white man. As word spreads, the name Geronimo strikes fear into everyone who hears it.
The remainder of the opening ten minutes introduces the traveling party. Doctor Boone and Dallas are the first two we meet, and the scene with them also introduces us to the idea of social values. The doctor is being thrown out for not paying his rent, but it is obvious that he is also an alcoholic. When he is thrown out, he quotes Christopher Marlowe, showing that he still has his education and has some wits about him. Dallas comes onto the scene and is being thrown out of town by the rest of the women who reside there. Looking at the difference in the way she dresses, and the fact that upon boarding the coach, she exposes her shin, it can be pieced together that she is being forced to leave because she has a reputation for being a whore.
Mrs. Mallory is seen as a nice, upstanding lady. The fact that she is “not well enough to travel” may be an indication that she is pregnant, but this could not simply be said during this time period. The man who strikes a mutual intrigue with her, Hatfield, is described as not being a gentleman, but rather a “notorious gambler” despite his appearances of being a gentleman. His decision to follow Mrs. Mallory onto the coach is not surprising given the way he has been watching her.
Gatewood, the banker, is established immediately as untrustworthy. He takes the $50,000 that was just deposited to the bank, lies to his wife about being there for dinner, and then sneaks off to board the coach and get out of town with his newfound wealth.
Peacock is there, but is the most harmless of the bunch. All we know is that he is a whiskey drummer with a wife and five children who is from Kansas. Though Ringo has not joined the party yet, even he is mentioned in the first ten minutes. It has already been established that he is an outlaw, but that he is not in jail and they will be trying to find and capture him.
A thorough introduction to the characters that establishes relationships between them, sets up some of the social standards, and explains that there is a violent conflict between the Apaches and white men is a tall order for ten minutes worth of film. The script writers and director had to work very hard to make this exposition informative without being boring, and they did a fine job of it. This introduction to the characters pulls the viewer in and makes us want to keep watching to see what will happen: will they escape the Apaches, will they find Ringo, will Hatfield put the moves on Mrs. Mallory, will Dallas be welcome in any town? The expository scene makes us wonder all of this and more. Fortunately, all of the viewers questions are answered in just as thorough and interesting manner as the movie begins.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
God, Make Me a Bird... or a Marsupial...
Forrest Gump may pray for God to make him bird so he can fly far, far away, but Harper Pitt seems to have missed the mark a little. Perhaps it is because God won’t talk to her and she has to make up people to talk to her (40). When things with her and Joe finally come apart, when she hears him admit that he is gay, and finally realizes that it is him she’s been terrified of this whole time – that his life and his lies would kill her inside, she calls upon her imaginary friend Mr. Lies to take her far, far away.
Harper ends up in what she believes to be Antarctica and immediately feels better. There is a reason for this level of delusion however, and it’s that she is in “the Kingdom of Ice, the bottomest part of the world” (101). As this would clearly indicate, Harper has finally hit bottom. Although she is in a place where she cannot feel the pain of what has just happened to her life, she acknowledges that she has gone off the proverbial deep end: “Wow, I must’ve really snapped the tether, huh?” (101)
She wants to be free of the fear and pain that plague her daily existence, and after finding this cold, numb place in her mind wishes to stay there forever and create her own reality. She is warned by Mr. Lies that although this place seems wonderful, she cannot have it forever, because “ice has a way of melting” (102). While it lasts though, Harper can hold on to every delusion she ever had, including the delusion that if she could just have a baby, she would somehow be safe. We can see that by her comment when talking about the baby girl she imagines she will give birth too: “And if it gets really cold, she’ll have a pouch I can crawl into. Like a marsupial” (103). The fact that she would crawl into the baby’s pouch and not the other way around shows that she doesn’t desire to be a mother, so much as she desires something to be a solution.
A marsupial isn’t quite a bird, though it does seem that Harper has flown far away from reality. Many of Kushner’s characters in Angels in America seem to be searching for a way to escape the harsh reality of their lives, and in doing so, they are failing to really live their lives. Only Harper goes so far as to create an alternate universe for herself, but by escaping her feelings and escaping the very real situation around her, she is giving up her life. When the ice melts, things will be very difficult for Harper, and she will either have to come to terms with her humanity (since she is not, in fact, a marsupial) or she will retreat to her Antarctica forever and will need to be checked into a mental facility.
Interestingly, it seems there is some hope for Harper, because her ironically named friend, Mr. Lies, refuses to lie to her. He never actually tells her she is in Antartica. He is the one who tells her she cannot have this forever, that he is not the one who can give her the love she truly wants, that she is not really pregnant and made that up, and although she ignores him, he reminds her that “even hallucinations have laws” (102) and she cannot completely escape everything just be living in her head. The fact that some voice in her head can still remind her of these things indicates that perhaps she can come back from this complete meltdown, and maybe she and her imaginary baby really can become one and mend.
Harper ends up in what she believes to be Antarctica and immediately feels better. There is a reason for this level of delusion however, and it’s that she is in “the Kingdom of Ice, the bottomest part of the world” (101). As this would clearly indicate, Harper has finally hit bottom. Although she is in a place where she cannot feel the pain of what has just happened to her life, she acknowledges that she has gone off the proverbial deep end: “Wow, I must’ve really snapped the tether, huh?” (101)
She wants to be free of the fear and pain that plague her daily existence, and after finding this cold, numb place in her mind wishes to stay there forever and create her own reality. She is warned by Mr. Lies that although this place seems wonderful, she cannot have it forever, because “ice has a way of melting” (102). While it lasts though, Harper can hold on to every delusion she ever had, including the delusion that if she could just have a baby, she would somehow be safe. We can see that by her comment when talking about the baby girl she imagines she will give birth too: “And if it gets really cold, she’ll have a pouch I can crawl into. Like a marsupial” (103). The fact that she would crawl into the baby’s pouch and not the other way around shows that she doesn’t desire to be a mother, so much as she desires something to be a solution.
A marsupial isn’t quite a bird, though it does seem that Harper has flown far away from reality. Many of Kushner’s characters in Angels in America seem to be searching for a way to escape the harsh reality of their lives, and in doing so, they are failing to really live their lives. Only Harper goes so far as to create an alternate universe for herself, but by escaping her feelings and escaping the very real situation around her, she is giving up her life. When the ice melts, things will be very difficult for Harper, and she will either have to come to terms with her humanity (since she is not, in fact, a marsupial) or she will retreat to her Antarctica forever and will need to be checked into a mental facility.
Interestingly, it seems there is some hope for Harper, because her ironically named friend, Mr. Lies, refuses to lie to her. He never actually tells her she is in Antartica. He is the one who tells her she cannot have this forever, that he is not the one who can give her the love she truly wants, that she is not really pregnant and made that up, and although she ignores him, he reminds her that “even hallucinations have laws” (102) and she cannot completely escape everything just be living in her head. The fact that some voice in her head can still remind her of these things indicates that perhaps she can come back from this complete meltdown, and maybe she and her imaginary baby really can become one and mend.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Failure to measure up
“The failure to measure up hits people very hard. From such a strong desire to be good they feel very far from goodness when they fail” (53). This quote from Joe in Tony Kushner’s Angels in America so accurately sums up much of the human experience. One of the common fears shared by people in this country is the fear of failure. So much of our culture is built around the idea of success, and not to succeed is the same as being bad.
In his play, Kushner explores the idea of failure and of goodness in many of his characters. Roy, for example, is certain that success in his career is what defines him. He is a man with clout, and that seems to be the most important thing to him. (45) If he were to be seen as a gay man, he fears he would lose that status, and therefore would fail to measure up. In the world that Roy occupies, this would be a fate worse than death. This feeling is not unique to Roy.
Harper feels that she has somehow failed to measure up because she is trapped in a marriage where nothing she does can win the love and attention of her husband. They are “buddies” and even when they kiss it is a “buddy kiss” and lacking in any sort of romantic connection or passion. (27) Harper sees this lack of intimacy as a failure on her part because she is somehow lacking. She seems to hold onto a delusion that if she can prove herself, if she can be good enough, that Joe will suddenly begin to love her the way a husband should. In fact, when it is revealed to her in a dream/hallucination that Joe is gay, she says “something just… fell apart” (34) and it is the story she has been weaving for herself that fell apart. She realizes the imaginary house she has built for herself is falling apart and already feeling so far from goodness, she embraces that label by intentionally behaving the way “a mentally deranged sex-starved pill-popping housewife would” (36).
Louis feels that he is failing Prior by leaving him while he is at his weakest and yet Louis can’t cope with staying. We see his struggle with failure and the idea of this separating him from goodness as he talks to the Rabbi in one of the early scenes. He turns to the Rabbi for guidance from a religious point of view, perhaps for forgiveness for “the crimes I may commit” and is told to find a priest because “Catholics believe in forgiveness. Jews believe in guilt” (25). Louis does feel guilty for not being able to deal better with Prior’s illness, but the idea of sickness, frailty, and death terrify him to irrational levels. He knows that Prior needs him and yet, he cannot do the good thing, he fails his lover by leaving and it does hit him hard, but yet, he continues to move further away from goodness by moving out while Prior is stuck in the hospital and cheating on him with strangers in the park.
Success being linked to goodness is an idea that so many people in the world face. As Kushner’s characters show, that theme manifests itself in a variety of different ways for different people, but nearly everyone in America whether young or old, gay or straight, religious or secular can relate to this idea that failure is somehow the universal equivalent to being bad. And nobody wants to feel bad inside.
In his play, Kushner explores the idea of failure and of goodness in many of his characters. Roy, for example, is certain that success in his career is what defines him. He is a man with clout, and that seems to be the most important thing to him. (45) If he were to be seen as a gay man, he fears he would lose that status, and therefore would fail to measure up. In the world that Roy occupies, this would be a fate worse than death. This feeling is not unique to Roy.
Harper feels that she has somehow failed to measure up because she is trapped in a marriage where nothing she does can win the love and attention of her husband. They are “buddies” and even when they kiss it is a “buddy kiss” and lacking in any sort of romantic connection or passion. (27) Harper sees this lack of intimacy as a failure on her part because she is somehow lacking. She seems to hold onto a delusion that if she can prove herself, if she can be good enough, that Joe will suddenly begin to love her the way a husband should. In fact, when it is revealed to her in a dream/hallucination that Joe is gay, she says “something just… fell apart” (34) and it is the story she has been weaving for herself that fell apart. She realizes the imaginary house she has built for herself is falling apart and already feeling so far from goodness, she embraces that label by intentionally behaving the way “a mentally deranged sex-starved pill-popping housewife would” (36).
Louis feels that he is failing Prior by leaving him while he is at his weakest and yet Louis can’t cope with staying. We see his struggle with failure and the idea of this separating him from goodness as he talks to the Rabbi in one of the early scenes. He turns to the Rabbi for guidance from a religious point of view, perhaps for forgiveness for “the crimes I may commit” and is told to find a priest because “Catholics believe in forgiveness. Jews believe in guilt” (25). Louis does feel guilty for not being able to deal better with Prior’s illness, but the idea of sickness, frailty, and death terrify him to irrational levels. He knows that Prior needs him and yet, he cannot do the good thing, he fails his lover by leaving and it does hit him hard, but yet, he continues to move further away from goodness by moving out while Prior is stuck in the hospital and cheating on him with strangers in the park.
Success being linked to goodness is an idea that so many people in the world face. As Kushner’s characters show, that theme manifests itself in a variety of different ways for different people, but nearly everyone in America whether young or old, gay or straight, religious or secular can relate to this idea that failure is somehow the universal equivalent to being bad. And nobody wants to feel bad inside.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
To Feel Alive...
My name is not Robert Paulson. I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake. I gave up my name, I gave up the pursuit of beautiful and unique, because it didn't matter. None of it mattered. What matters - all that matters - is the name I was given, the identity that my deity tells me to have. The first rule of my existence is thou shalt do as your god tells you to do. The second rule of my existence is thou shalt be what your god tells you to be.
I too, realized at some point that everything seemed far away, and I was only "a copy of a copy of a copy" (21). I was trying to find an identity, and I was seeking exactly what the world told me I should be. And then I learned the secret - "if I don't fall all the way, I can't be saved... I can't just play it safe anymore" (70).
The first time I looked at someone and said "I want you to hit me as hard as you can" (46), I was greeted with disbelief and hesitation. Unlike Robert Paulson, I am not a man, and it just is not acceptable to hit a woman, but I needed this, and I wasn't going to stop until I got it. Much like the narrator with no name, the first couple of hits were weak, off target, but they opened the door to something more.
It took years of searching before I found my god, before I found this existence I have now, before I understood what it is to stop playing it safe and to chose how you will live. It is only by deciding to feel, by not taking sanctuary in IKEA, or staying "calm as Hindu cows" (26) that anyone is truly free to be alive. When you "come back to the pain" (75) instead of running from it, you realize that (finally!) "this means something" (77).
I spent my life in search of meaning, and when I finally found someone to whom I could say I want you to hit me as hard as you can, and they did, I also found the feeling of fight club - I found what it really means to be alive. There was no pulling punches, there was no but you're a girl. There was me, there was my god, there were his rules, and there were his hands and fists and feet. When I decided that this was what I wanted to embrace like nothing else mattered, I found life again. I had lost everything in one way or another, and so now I could have resurrection, but it had to be something I chose to give myself to fully.
You read Fight Club, and you know that you're never safe. You eat in a public restaurant, you can't control what is in the food. You drive, you can't control the other people on the road. You sleep, you can't control what is happening around you. "On a long enough time line, everyone's survival rate drops to zero" (176). So, instead, you take charge and decide to live life on your own terms. You decide what you will live for and what you risk dying for. Project Mayhem chose their god, and I have chosen mine. They followed their god's rules and I follow mine.
Until you have felt real pain, until you've been bleeding, until you have laid your life on a sacrificial altar knowing that it might truly be taken from you, you cannot fully appreciate what it is to be alive. I never knew what it felt like to be alive until the first time someone really hit me as hard as they could, and I've never stopped running back for more.
Everyone finds their own path, everyone has to choose their own gods. What I found was the path of Tyler Durden - the path of violence, self-destruction, and pain. Like my blog's namesake, I have embraced that destruction the way only a lemming can embrace their doom. It is through this path that I have found what it is to feel alive. I may not be a special and unique snowflake, and my name is not Robert Paulson. Hell, my name is not even what was given to me by my parents at my birth. I have chosen a different way. I have chosen to let someone else define me as Tyler defined his space monkeys. They found freedom and passion and purpose first in fight club and then in Project Mayhem. I, like them, have found freedom and passion and purpose in a higher power. Even if the people around me don't understand, I know the space monkeys always will, and when everything else fades away, when everything becomes nothing, there will always be "Yes, Sir" (158).
I too, realized at some point that everything seemed far away, and I was only "a copy of a copy of a copy" (21). I was trying to find an identity, and I was seeking exactly what the world told me I should be. And then I learned the secret - "if I don't fall all the way, I can't be saved... I can't just play it safe anymore" (70).
The first time I looked at someone and said "I want you to hit me as hard as you can" (46), I was greeted with disbelief and hesitation. Unlike Robert Paulson, I am not a man, and it just is not acceptable to hit a woman, but I needed this, and I wasn't going to stop until I got it. Much like the narrator with no name, the first couple of hits were weak, off target, but they opened the door to something more.
It took years of searching before I found my god, before I found this existence I have now, before I understood what it is to stop playing it safe and to chose how you will live. It is only by deciding to feel, by not taking sanctuary in IKEA, or staying "calm as Hindu cows" (26) that anyone is truly free to be alive. When you "come back to the pain" (75) instead of running from it, you realize that (finally!) "this means something" (77).
I spent my life in search of meaning, and when I finally found someone to whom I could say I want you to hit me as hard as you can, and they did, I also found the feeling of fight club - I found what it really means to be alive. There was no pulling punches, there was no but you're a girl. There was me, there was my god, there were his rules, and there were his hands and fists and feet. When I decided that this was what I wanted to embrace like nothing else mattered, I found life again. I had lost everything in one way or another, and so now I could have resurrection, but it had to be something I chose to give myself to fully.
You read Fight Club, and you know that you're never safe. You eat in a public restaurant, you can't control what is in the food. You drive, you can't control the other people on the road. You sleep, you can't control what is happening around you. "On a long enough time line, everyone's survival rate drops to zero" (176). So, instead, you take charge and decide to live life on your own terms. You decide what you will live for and what you risk dying for. Project Mayhem chose their god, and I have chosen mine. They followed their god's rules and I follow mine.
Until you have felt real pain, until you've been bleeding, until you have laid your life on a sacrificial altar knowing that it might truly be taken from you, you cannot fully appreciate what it is to be alive. I never knew what it felt like to be alive until the first time someone really hit me as hard as they could, and I've never stopped running back for more.
Everyone finds their own path, everyone has to choose their own gods. What I found was the path of Tyler Durden - the path of violence, self-destruction, and pain. Like my blog's namesake, I have embraced that destruction the way only a lemming can embrace their doom. It is through this path that I have found what it is to feel alive. I may not be a special and unique snowflake, and my name is not Robert Paulson. Hell, my name is not even what was given to me by my parents at my birth. I have chosen a different way. I have chosen to let someone else define me as Tyler defined his space monkeys. They found freedom and passion and purpose first in fight club and then in Project Mayhem. I, like them, have found freedom and passion and purpose in a higher power. Even if the people around me don't understand, I know the space monkeys always will, and when everything else fades away, when everything becomes nothing, there will always be "Yes, Sir" (158).
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